he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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