gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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