I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His nipple licking is glorious
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