Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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