The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
