Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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