i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
