Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
