You don't have asthma, your pregnant
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You made out with two different species that night
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
