I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
