my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
