thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
