why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
