i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
