it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
