I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
