turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do herpes really smell.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
