Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
