i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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