he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
