I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
