Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
