I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
