kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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