So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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