she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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