I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
