Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
