Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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