I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
