I'm lost and stupid without you.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
