Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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