I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
