things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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