You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
