I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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