Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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