wakey wakey hands off snakey
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
