i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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