It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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