I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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