I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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