nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
