if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
