dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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