saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
