i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
