I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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