I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
