i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
