mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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